Tea Party (Zealot's Dictionary)

Tea Party: The most rational part of the Republican Party. The Tea Party knows that Founding Fathers wanted only preachers of the correct faith to be politicians and bankers to be in control of the economy. The Tea Party knows that the rich really care about the poor and would never abuse their political position to increase their own wealth at the expense of the poor. Their views that the poor are lazy, and that immigration and witchcraft are the sources of all evil are absolutely correct. Their section of the Republican Party is named after a sex act that elevates their sexual partners to the most sublime and spiritual potential possible. The Tea Party has voted to ban the development of time machines, abolish the study of history and mathematics, and to allow an asteroid to crash into the Earth; after all, they already have their first class ticket to heaven where the rich will definitely not use them for riding around on.

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Selected definitions from the Zealot's Dictionary

Oil: Black gold. A substance made cheaply by nature from old dinosaurs and refined into a precious substance by the new dinosaurs running the oil companies.

Baggage check: The check that you write to the airlines to send your luggage to the Bahamas while you go to Cleveland.

Ethanol: A way to turn corn into gold.

Lottery: A way for the government to tax your hopes and dreams of getting lucky, winning big money, and telling your burger-flipping boss where to go.

Selected Definitions from the Zealot’s Dictionary

Superdelegate: An invention of the Democratic Party to soothe the hurt feelings of the non-nominated and to heal the wounds of party infighting; unfortunately, some hope to use them as leverage to bring back cigars and overthrow the results of the Democratic Party’s biggest popularity contest.

Divorce: A method of robbing the worst half to support the better half and their lawyers by dissolving a less-than-perfect marriage.

Vulcan: A stoic from another planet, frequent carriers of the disease of Nerdish Trekkus.

Same-Sex Marriage: A legal procedure that will allow homosexuals to be as miserable and cynical about love as heterosexuals; opposed to by some on religious grounds, the opponents saying that their god does not want sinners to suffer in the same manner as saints.