Trump redesigns the American flag

Oh say can you see by the glow of Trump's tan....

From the desk of the Greatest American President ever! (suck it Reagan):

Today, I give you the greatest flag in the world. It is a flag worthy of our great country, and symbolizes everything that makes America great. I designed this flag, especially for you America, because I am the best at designing flags. There is no one else in the world better at creating flags. I am the best at creating flags. And we needed a new one because the old one was designed by that fat cow, Betsy Ross, and it was a loser flag. This is a winner flag. The green stripes represent money because if you do not have money, you are not a winner. And we have so much money as a nation that we are winners. We are so winning, and have so much money, that we are tired of winning and having so much money. But what can you do? You can't give your money to poor people because they are losers, and you know that they are losers because they have no money. The black stripes represent black gold, which is better than gold gold, except for the golden signs that now decorate all the national monuments. As Americans, we send our troops everywhere to protect the precious black gold. We are so protective of black gold that we even use nukes to protect the black gold from the poor in other countries, and you know that they are losers because we nuked them to protect the black gold for the winners who have loads of black gold. The winners have so much black gold that they do not know what to do with it. And what can they do? They move here and they bring their black gold to us, and we win again. I am so sick and tired of all this winning that we are doing. And there are fifty stars that represent the fifty noble hatreds that makes America great. You know the fifty: hate those Mexican rapists and drugs, and Rosie McDonnell, and journalists, and lying Hillary, and crazy Bernie, and weak Jeb, and those militant Muslims, and Isis, I know so much about Isis, I know more about Isis than the CIA, the NSA, and all the generals in the military, and we hate them so much that we will nuke them wherever they are, if they come to New York, we will nuke New York. And the other fifty noble hatreds that Jesus trust us, and that the Supreme Court and Congress agree should be in the Constitution because I told them that they should be in the Constitution, and I am the greatest at the Constitution, I know exactly what should be in the Constitution. This flag is in the Constitution, you can look it up, along with every man, woman, and child having a gun, except for Muslims, and blacks, and the blacks are ok with it because I get along great with the blacks, the blacks love me, and the Mexicans, the Mexicans can't have guns because they are murderers and rapists. Oh, there are some good Mexicans, and they love this flag. I get along great with the American flag loving Mexicans, they love me. And there is a field of orange to remind us that our great nation, the most winning nation in the world, is founded on a great religion, a religion that I am great in, and in Cheeto-Jesus we trust---that and money and black oil. America--we are great again!!!

President-for-Life Donald Cheeto-Jesus Trump

Donald Trump--the cheeto-faced, ferret wearing shitgibbon---the only candidate worse than Cthulhu and Killer Asteroid.

[Don't like the idea of a Trump Presidency? Join us on July 4th (worldwide) to bind and hex the cheeto-faced, ferret wearing shitgibbon. Or better yet, vote for the other party!]

Talk to my cat about your product and candidate

Please tell my cat all about your new product and/or political candidate.

Oh, how many more days until this election cycle is over--too many.

Last year at this time, I thought that I would be busy blogging about the latest election during this month. I did not realize that even I would be uninterested in the whole d*** thing.

Over the last past couple of weeks, I have been averaging a half dozen political calls a day. It has gotten to the point that I am not answering the phone if I do not see an actual name on the caller ID.

And I am on the verge of handing the phone to my cat--maybe he can summon up more interest in this election than I have been able to.

For the record, I have known for months who I am voting for...I think that most of my Facebook friends have figured it out also. So let's just vote today, and save ourselves a few weeks of pointless political ads and phone calls. If not, a lot of people are going to end up talking to my cat.

Tea Party (Zealot's Dictionary)

Tea Party: The most rational part of the Republican Party. The Tea Party knows that Founding Fathers wanted only preachers of the correct faith to be politicians and bankers to be in control of the economy. The Tea Party knows that the rich really care about the poor and would never abuse their political position to increase their own wealth at the expense of the poor. Their views that the poor are lazy, and that immigration and witchcraft are the sources of all evil are absolutely correct. Their section of the Republican Party is named after a sex act that elevates their sexual partners to the most sublime and spiritual potential possible. The Tea Party has voted to ban the development of time machines, abolish the study of history and mathematics, and to allow an asteroid to crash into the Earth; after all, they already have their first class ticket to heaven where the rich will definitely not use them for riding around on.

[All the Zealot's Dictionary definitions are available in a single ebook on Smashwords--just 99 cents. Remember if you buy it on Smashwords, you get access to all future expansions...because we know that new definitions are sure to happen simply because of human nature.]

Gas Mask for Christmas

I decided that I want a gas mask for Christmas. Correction---I need a gas mask for Christmas.

First, we had the police spraying down the protesters with pepper spray. It was only a matter of time before it got out of hand. But I wasn't terribly worried---I have been too busy to go near the protests.

Of course, I didn't realize that the next step in the pepper spray assaults would be against Christmas shoppers. By a Christmas shopper.

Last night, a woman decided to spray down her competition with pepper spray as she tried to get a discounted Xbox. That brings Black Friday mania to a whole new level. So to get a jump on my competition, I would like Santa Claus to give me a gas mask, some tear gas, and maybe a tactical nuke to use against my fellow Christmas shoppers next year. I promise to only use them for good---such as getting the best toys before orphans see them, things like that.

File this story under Only in America.

British Army General Service Gas Mask

The American Scorecard so far

I am learning a lot this election cycle about what it is to be a "real" American.

First, I learned that this country was founded as a Christian nation, and that the Founding Fathers thought that you were not entitled to be a full American (with full legal protections) unless you were a Christian.

I also learned that I am poorly educated because this is not what I have been taught in college. And I am so poorly educated that I cannot find proof of this when I read the primary documents (their actual letters and essays), so I am forced to believe my professors when they say that the Founding Fathers were Deists.

And today, I learned that the Founding Fathers were also capitalists. I guess all the warnings about the evils of banks were planted by time-traveling Democrats.

Herman Cain, who is not going to get my vote, says that the current Wall Street protests are anti-American, and "to protest Wall Street and the bankers is saying that you're anti-capitalism."

Newt Gingrich, who is not going to get my vote, said that the protests are "a natural product of Obama's class warfare." Furthermore, the education system is to blame. "We have had a strain of hostility to free enterprise and frankly, a strain of hostility to classic America starting in our academic institutions and spreading across this country. And I regard the Wall Street protesters as a natural outcome of a bad education system teaching them really dumb ideas."

So lets' see, I am losing points for going to college, not being taught that America is a Christian nation, being a member of a non-Christian religion; and believing that despite the fact that I would like to become wealthy myself someday, that Wall Street and the banks went too far. Oh, and for believing that most of economic problems were actually created by the last President and not the current one.

I presume that I will be seeing some of my readers in Canada when I get deported for my unAmerican beliefs.

QoD Rufus Opus on what Christians are not here to do

"And Christians aren't here to run for political office. They aren't here to establish the Law of Moses as the Law of the Land. They aren't here to picket abortion clinics. They aren't here to deny gay couples the right to marriage. They aren't here to meddle in the things of the world."---Rufus Opus

The rest of Rufus Opus's post about what Christians are supposed to be doing can be found here.

Show us your weiner!

This card is inspired by Representative Anthony Weiner, who decided to show his weiner to someone. The mechanics of the card are also influenced by what was perhaps the funniest set of Magic the Gathering cards of all time---Unglued. The Unglued set was designed for the causal gamer, those who were more interested in interacting with their friends and having a good time than they were in building the ultimate tournament deck. Due to the potential disruptive nature of this card, you are only allowed to have one in your deck, and it is removed from play as soon as it resolves. Show us your Weiner! is an instant that costs either one white mana or one red mana. The effect is (definitely inspired by the Unglued MTG set) any player that has a picture of a hot dog that they have eaten can show it to the other players and gain ten life. To make sure players are just googling the internet for pictures of hot dogs, the player must be visible in the picture, without any doubt of their indentity. (No excuses about not knowing if the picture is of you. Also no fair dressing up your dog in a weiner costume---really people, is this why you have pets?) To make things really interesting, you can only use the same picture in a twenty-four hour period. This card, if it was real, but it is not (remember that this is Magic the Gathering NOT!?)---would create a few rule arguments...which I leave to those who like to argue about such things. For instance, does a tofu sausage count as a hot dog? Does the hot dog have to be clearly visible? Or can the chili completely cover it? For the flavor text, I chose a quote by a television character, Ron Swanson (Parks and Recreation)---"I have taken a picture of every steak I've ever eaten there." Sure, the quote is about steak, but the principle is the same---take a lot of pictures of your meat and share them with your friends. Weiner jokes just write themselves, don't they? Now if only Anthony had some witty to say to get himself out of the pickle that he put himself in.

Zombie Carla Madison

*My apologies and sympathy to the family of Carla Madison---I hope that you understand what I am trying to say here.*

We are on the tail-end of the spring election season here in Denver, Colorado. Most of the attention is on who will be elected the next mayor. But a certain amount of attention, at least in my neighborhood, is on who is going to become the next council member for District 8.

This attention is rather unexpected. But with the recent death of Carla Madison (who was a very delightful woman), there has been a gaggle of candiates all asking to be written in, so that they can replace her.

I am a happy little cynic. My proof? I still wanted to vote for Carla Madison. Even with her being dead, she is still a better candidate than some of the living ones that have asked for my vote.

Is it wrong to think that we would be better off with more zombies and resurrected mummies in office than living politicans? Probably. But can they do more wrong to us than the living politicans? I think not.

(And if any politicans in Denver see this, I have already voted---quit calling me to ask for my vote.)

Strangest thing I have seen this political season

I would like to say that the strangest thing that I have seen this political season is the political ad of Ken Buck (talking about why he is better than Jane Norton) saying that he does not wear high heels, and instead wears cowboy boots with bull-droppings on them. (I think that Buck was trying to make a joke---not a very good joke---and if that is the worst that they can find, well...)

But I can't.

The strangest thing actually occurred in May (yes, I am a little behind in updating my blog). I was reading the Denver Daily News, a little local freebie newspaper that I occasionally read while waiting for the lightrail. And there was this ad.

The ad was from Kathleen Rosewater Cunningham (a candidate for the Governor of Colorado), and she was advertising for a Lieutenant Governor running mate and campaign manager (I am not sure if the person was supposed to function as both or not).

I just found it strange placing an ad in the classified section for a running mate. I am sure that it will not be the strangest thing we see this season, but it is currently my first runner for that prize.

(I do wonder if she actually was sucessful with her ad. Does anyone know? I have attempted to find information about her on the web without any success.)

Quote of the Day: Wiggam defines Conservative

A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for the first time.
--- Alfred E. Wiggam

Remember to vote

I would like to remind everyone that is registered to remember to vote Tuesday. This election, no matter who you support, due to the issues is a very important one.

Political jokes

At one time, the American people were given a three-year long vacation from Presidential politics every four years. Once the Presidential election was over, you didn’t have to listen to any more Presidential campaign ads for three whole years. Those were the good old days. Nowadays, Hillary Clinton is already starting up her 2012 Presidential bid, and her first television ad is scheduled to appear the day after the 2008 election.

I am bored with the Presidential campaign. It seems to have been going on as long as John McCain has been alive.

I have timed Obama’a speeches, and he has been saying the word “Change” every 5.1 seconds. If someone else was doing this, it would qualify as a compulsive-obsessive disorder.

If a protestor was not seen or heard by a delegate, or the media, were they still protesting?

Podcast Review: Common Sense with Dan Carlin

"Common Sense with Dan Carlin" is a political podcast that sooner or later you will disagree with, but that is one of the things that makes it so much fun to listen to. I first learned of Common Sense though a blurb that Carlin did on his another podcast, "Dan Carlin's Hardcore History." I liked his history podcast, so I thought I would give his political podcast a try. I am glad that I did.

For those who have yet to get involved in the world of podcasts, podcasts are audio, and occasionally video, shows that are periodically released by their creators. They can range from the absolute silly, like "Ask a Ninja," to academic and instructional (many college instructors are recording their lectures). Common Sense falls in between these two poles. Podcasts can be downloaded to your computer and listened to at home, or be transferred to mobile devices, such as IPods.

Dan Carlin is an ex-newsman, who has decided to go into podcasting. His political views do not fit neatly in any particular political box. There are times that he sounds like a conservative; other times, he sounds like a liberal. He is pro-gun, but anti-war. I am not sure what label to slap on him. Then again, I am not sure what label to slap on myself politically either. Read the rest of the Podcast Review: Common Sense with Dan Carlin, click here.

Dan Carlin--politics and history

Recently, I have been listening to a lot of podcasts. This is mainly due to Toni having to do Spanish homework, and needing me to be relatively quiet (I am never perfectly quiet or still--it might or might not be ADHD); and partially due to the fact that I have a new IPod.

I have been exploring a lot, searching the podcast library for things of interest. Looking for the usual stuff--French and Hebrew podcasts (my languages of choice)--and things to entertain me. So I started looking at the political and history podcasts; it has never been said that my idea of entertainment is normal.

One of the podcasts that I stumbled across was Hardcore History, a podcast put together by Dan Carlin. One problem with history is that it can be boring, especially when it is talked about by professors. Carlin is not a teacher of history; he is an euthastic student of history. Because of that, he talks about the parts of history that fascinates him, rather than dry dusty dates.

And at the end of one of the Hardcore History podcasts, there was a mention of the other podcast that he does--Common Sense, a political podcast. I think that Carlin's ideas about politics and what really is going on to be interesting.

I know that some people will point to Carlin as proof that allowing people to make podcasts is like giving every lunatic in a tin hat their very own radio show, much like allowing people to blog is like allowing every nutjob to run their own newspaper. But I like Carlin--maybe that is because of the type of person that I am.

Why do I like Carlin? In one of his latest podcasts, he talks about how the whole issue of Obama and his minister is a guilt by association tale cobbled together on a slow newsday; it also helps those who are trying to slow Obama down. Carlin believes that it is a tin hat story; nothing really to worry about.

And in another podcast, he talks about what the founding fathers really meant the right to bear arms to be all about; I understood it. The founding fathers never meant the right to bear arms to be a separate amendment; it serves a greater purpose.I would go into greater detail, but that would rob you of the joy of listening to Dan Carlin yourself. So go hop over to the Itunes Store, or Dan Carlin's website, to download these great podcasts.