Saturday, December 3, 2011

Beware of the Burger Police

Here something that I find amusing, a Florida man was arrested for joking with a Burger King employee that he wanted to buy a "blunt and some herbs" while sitting in a car that smelled of marijuana. The employee jotted down the license number of the car, and his manager passed it onto the cops. The cops found 28 grams of marijuana in the man's car.

Now, the part that I find amusing is that I used to work at a Burger King. If we reported everyone that was drunk, high, and/or crazy, we won't have had any customers...well, almost none. Of course, we were across the street from the college and down the street from a bar. And let's be honest, most of the employees knew what marijuana smoke smelled like because they, themselves were guilty of smoking it or had a friend who did.

(It might amuse you to note that I was guilty of writing stories at the sandwich station---each of us have our own vices, and mine involve gallons of ink and thousand of pages of badly written prose. My smoking and drinking were minor infractions in comparsion to the amount of writing I did on company time.)

There is more to this story than what we heard. I am betting that the customer was really an a** and the employee so wanted to put him in his place. It is personal theory based on my own Burger King job experience---none of us were the Burger Police. Then again, maybe Burger King employees in Florida are more upright citizens than the ones in Colorado.

Friday, November 25, 2011

Gas Mask for Christmas

I decided that I want a gas mask for Christmas. Correction---I need a gas mask for Christmas.

First, we had the police spraying down the protesters with pepper spray. It was only a matter of time before it got out of hand. But I wasn't terribly worried---I have been too busy to go near the protests.

Of course, I didn't realize that the next step in the pepper spray assaults would be against Christmas shoppers. By a Christmas shopper.

Last night, a woman decided to spray down her competition with pepper spray as she tried to get a discounted Xbox. That brings Black Friday mania to a whole new level. So to get a jump on my competition, I would like Santa Claus to give me a gas mask, some tear gas, and maybe a tactical nuke to use against my fellow Christmas shoppers next year. I promise to only use them for good---such as getting the best toys before orphans see them, things like that.

File this story under Only in America.
British Army General Service Gas Mask

Friday, November 18, 2011

So Jesus is actually a gun-toting Republican

I suppose that we should not be shocked at the revelation that White House shooter, Oscar Ramiro Ortega-Hernandez, says that he is a modern-day Jesus Christ. Nor should we be shocked that Oscar (Jesus) claims that Obama is the Anti-Christ. After all, the Republicans for years have been claiming Jesus is a gun-toting Republican who believes that all Democratic Presidents are the Anti-Christ. But I will admit that I am surprised that Nostradamus had to be the one to pass on the message to Oscar (Jesus). I am even more surprised by his mother claiming he has no history of mental illness.

What would Republican Jesus do?
Oscar Ramiro Ortega-Hernandez--yeah, he is Jesus all right.
Handy tip of the day--If your child buys an assault rifle, looks like Jesus Christ, reads old dead prophets (especially French ones), and thinks that Obama is the Anti-Christ, then he is a Republican.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Christmas sales as an economic indicator

One of the frustrating things about the so-called end of the Great Recession is the fact that the people who are recovering are not even remotely in my neighborhood. As most of my friends and regular readers know, I am a firm believer in developing one's own set of economic indicators---that way you don't have to rely on the boiled numbers that the government issues.

Here is a good indicator of the health of the economy: When did Christmas displays and music hit the stores? When did the merchants start slashing prices?

The earlier you see and hear Xmas stuff, the worst retailers believe the holiday shopping season is going to be. Of course, I believe that the stock holders are worried about their stock prices and dividends---and not in the least concerned about their employees---which means that even if consumers pony up money (from under what barrel I have no idea) and go hog-wild this shopping season, I am willing to bet that the money is going to stay in the pockets of the rich stockholders and not flow back to the rest of the economy.

The earlier you see price cutting (especially the fire sale level), the worst the holiday shopping is based on store reciepts. The fire sale level of prices indicate that a store is just trying to break even for the season, and that layoffs of regular employees is going to accompany the letting go of the seasonal help.

And this year is alarming on a couple of levels already. I saw Christmas stuff out before October 1st, and HR departments are actually hiring less seasonal help than normal.

Is it wrong to think that perhaps certain retail chains stockholders deserve a lump of coal for Christmas? Probably. We all know that only rich people can create jobs for the poor. *frowns*

Monday, October 24, 2011

American Capitalism: a Parable on how the system works

A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the Japanese team won by a mile. The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat.

A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese team had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing. So American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion. They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

To prevent another loss to the Japanese, the American rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 Steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant Superintendent steering manager.

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Quality First Program," with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was outsourced to India.

---Author unknown

Sunday, October 9, 2011

The American Scorecard so far

I am learning a lot this election cycle about what it is to be a "real" American.

First, I learned that this country was founded as a Christian nation, and that the Founding Fathers thought that you were not entitled to be a full American (with full legal protections) unless you were a Christian.

I also learned that I am poorly educated because this is not what I have been taught in college. And I am so poorly educated that I cannot find proof of this when I read the primary documents (their actual letters and essays), so I am forced to believe my professors when they say that the Founding Fathers were Deists.

And today, I learned that the Founding Fathers were also capitalists. I guess all the warnings about the evils of banks were planted by time-traveling Democrats.

Herman Cain, who is not going to get my vote, says that the current Wall Street protests are anti-American, and "to protest Wall Street and the bankers is saying that you're anti-capitalism."

Newt Gingrich, who is not going to get my vote, said that the protests are "a natural product of Obama's class warfare." Furthermore, the education system is to blame. "We have had a strain of hostility to free enterprise and frankly, a strain of hostility to classic America starting in our academic institutions and spreading across this country. And I regard the Wall Street protesters as a natural outcome of a bad education system teaching them really dumb ideas."

So lets' see, I am losing points for going to college, not being taught that America is a Christian nation, being a member of a non-Christian religion; and believing that despite the fact that I would like to become wealthy myself someday, that Wall Street and the banks went too far. Oh, and for believing that most of economic problems were actually created by the last President and not the current one.

I presume that I will be seeing some of my readers in Canada when I get deported for my unAmerican beliefs.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

QoD Hitler and Christianity

Here is a scary quote that someone posted on Facebook today:

"I am personally convinced of the great power and deep significance of Christianity, and I won't allow any other religion to be promoted."

— Adolf Hitler

I have no idea what context this statement came from. Nevertheless, I would hate for my religion to be look on favorably by Adolf Hitler.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

QoD Rufus Opus on what Christians are not here to do

"And Christians aren't here to run for political office. They aren't here to establish the Law of Moses as the Law of the Land. They aren't here to picket abortion clinics. They aren't here to deny gay couples the right to marriage. They aren't here to meddle in the things of the world."---Rufus Opus

The rest of Rufus Opus's post about what Christians are supposed to be doing can be found here.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Friday, July 1, 2011

QoD MDE On the Dangers of the Pornoscanners

Myself (the remarkable Morgan Drake Eckstein) on the dangers of radiation from the full-body scanners (pornoscanners) used at the airport:

The government is keeping us safe from terrorists by turning us into glow-in-the-dark cancerous blobs. Makes sense---you cannot get killed by a terrorist if you are already dead.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Show us your weiner!

This card is inspired by Representative Anthony Weiner, who decided to show his weiner to someone. The mechanics of the card are also influenced by what was perhaps the funniest set of Magic the Gathering cards of all time---Unglued. The Unglued set was designed for the causal gamer, those who were more interested in interacting with their friends and having a good time than they were in building the ultimate tournament deck. Due to the potential disruptive nature of this card, you are only allowed to have one in your deck, and it is removed from play as soon as it resolves. Show us your Weiner! is an instant that costs either one white mana or one red mana. The effect is (definitely inspired by the Unglued MTG set) any player that has a picture of a hot dog that they have eaten can show it to the other players and gain ten life. To make sure players are just googling the internet for pictures of hot dogs, the player must be visible in the picture, without any doubt of their indentity. (No excuses about not knowing if the picture is of you. Also no fair dressing up your dog in a weiner costume---really people, is this why you have pets?) To make things really interesting, you can only use the same picture in a twenty-four hour period. This card, if it was real, but it is not (remember that this is Magic the Gathering NOT!?)---would create a few rule arguments...which I leave to those who like to argue about such things. For instance, does a tofu sausage count as a hot dog? Does the hot dog have to be clearly visible? Or can the chili completely cover it? For the flavor text, I chose a quote by a television character, Ron Swanson (Parks and Recreation)---"I have taken a picture of every steak I've ever eaten there." Sure, the quote is about steak, but the principle is the same---take a lot of pictures of your meat and share them with your friends. Weiner jokes just write themselves, don't they? Now if only Anthony had some witty to say to get himself out of the pickle that he put himself in.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Thulhu the thing on Trumps Head for President in 2012

Ok, I realize that Donald Trump decided not to run, but this was just too good of an idea to toss into the "too late to do" waste basket. The idea for this piece of artwork came to me on Facebook a few weeks ago (about a week before Trump decided that he would rather remain out of the Presidential race) when a friend posted something about the man (I think it was Trump questioning how Obama got into the college he did)---my response was that I would rather vote for the thing on Trump's head than the man himself. And as I hit post, this image popped into my head. It is kinda slimy, like something that H.P. Lovecraft might have included in his Cthulhu fiction. I used a section of this art in part of the on-going series of Magic the Gathering NOT joke cards that I am posting on my Gleamings from the Golden Dawn blog. Now, don't get me wrong: I like Trump the business man (or at least I admire part of his skill set), but I would rather not vote for him to be the leader of the Free World (he might sell it to the highest bidder---himself). 

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Sitting is killing you

Sitting is Killing You
Via: Medical Billing And Coding

You already knew that your job that requires you to sit for eight hours or more at a time was killing you right? I bet you were blaming it on the stress; but no, it is actually the sitting. From beyond the grave, the inventor of the chair laughs---Bwahahaha!

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Zombie Carla Madison

*My apologies and sympathy to the family of Carla Madison---I hope that you understand what I am trying to say here.*

We are on the tail-end of the spring election season here in Denver, Colorado. Most of the attention is on who will be elected the next mayor. But a certain amount of attention, at least in my neighborhood, is on who is going to become the next council member for District 8.

This attention is rather unexpected. But with the recent death of Carla Madison (who was a very delightful woman), there has been a gaggle of candiates all asking to be written in, so that they can replace her.

I am a happy little cynic. My proof? I still wanted to vote for Carla Madison. Even with her being dead, she is still a better candidate than some of the living ones that have asked for my vote.

Is it wrong to think that we would be better off with more zombies and resurrected mummies in office than living politicans? Probably. But can they do more wrong to us than the living politicans? I think not.

(And if any politicans in Denver see this, I have already voted---quit calling me to ask for my vote.)

Thursday, April 7, 2011

QoD Lisa Weil on Education Cuts

We're glad the cuts to K-12 have gotten less disastrous, but let's be clear: they are still disastrous for Colorado's kids. If we are celebrating that we are making "only" a quarter billion dollars of cuts for the second year in a row, we've lost perspective.

        -----Lisa Weil, spokeswoman for Great Education Colorado

Saturday, April 2, 2011

A triad of depressing economic numbers

Here is a triad of depressing economic numbers.

According to the Economic Policy Institute, almost 25 percent of U.S. households now have zero net worth or negative net worth. And the percentage is growing, it was only 18.6 percent in 2007.

Food and various products sizes are shrinking, so that manufactors and suppliers do not have to admit that they are actually raising prices on goods.

The purchasing power of the US dollar has declined from a dollar in 1913 to a whole 4.6 cents in 2009 (American Institute of Economic Research).

And if you want to read twenty-five more depressing economic numbers, check out this article on PrisonPlanet.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Dont steal public transportation

Today, on the Lightrail (RTD), there sprung up four cops checking to see that people had paid their fares. By "sprung up," I mean that I did not realize that they were cops until they took out their badges. (Though in my defense, I was reading my homework---so I wasn't playing much attention until the badges came out.)

Anyways, I am used to the RTD security guards; I treated them exactly the same way that I would the RTD guards. For me, there was no difference...I asked them how they were; I showed the cop my student ID (which doubles as my bus-pass) and went back to doing my homework. Ok, I did treat them differently---I normally joke to the guards that they should feel free to doublecheck my homework.

But there was someone else on the train who claimed to have paid and couldn't find their fare stub (provided that they were telling the truth). So the cops were writing down their information. Unfortunately, the person also claimed to have their wallet stolen recently. And because the cops had to make sure that they were who they claimed to be, at the next stop they took them off to remain in their custody until they (or the police) could confirm they were who they were.

I understand being willing to run the risk of a forty dollar ticket...and I suspect that the Lightrail guards are given false information all the time...but to risk arrest to avoid paying the RTD fare, well, that is just stupid.

The moral---don't steal public transportation, especially if you are trying to get somewhere on time.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

QoD Joke about a union man, tea party activist and a CEO

"A public union employee, a tea party activist, and a CEO are sitting at a table with a plate of a dozen cookies in the middle of it. The CEO takes 11 of the cookies, turns to the tea partier and says, "Watch out for that union guy. He wants a piece of your cookie." From Shelby Wright (Maine, political activist).

Thursday, February 17, 2011

You claim that you were a teacher?!

Yes, it is time to mock the junk emails again. This author of this one is claiming to be a former teacher. Really? Given the lack of punctuation and capitalization here, I seriously doubt it. And if you were an actual teacher, no wonder kids come to college and end up in remedial (opps, I mean "foundational") English classes. Thanks for leaving the profession; young minds deserve better than this. And so does my inbox.

I have to admit, in 2010 i was having a hard time keeping up with my small paychecks. it was a miracle i had received this link [some work at home at a computer while your butt grows large program] to this news entry that got me making 5x more than i was as a teacher!

Monday, February 14, 2011

Are people really this lonely on Valentine's Day?

Here is a spam email from one of those Facebook fake message centers. I have to ask---are there really people who are this lonely that they actually click on the links? And do they want to hook up with someone that can't spell Valentine, not alone recognize a comma splice?

Sarah sent a message...

Hey, with valintines day and all coming up and i dont really have anyone to spend the romance with i was
wonderingif you wanted to hook up. Just so were not alone ;) let me know what you think, you can message
me back here [some single girl dating website]. Lets not spend the day alone and have some fun!!!!

Kisses xoxoxo