Tea Party (Zealot's Dictionary)

Tea Party: The most rational part of the Republican Party. The Tea Party knows that Founding Fathers wanted only preachers of the correct faith to be politicians and bankers to be in control of the economy. The Tea Party knows that the rich really care about the poor and would never abuse their political position to increase their own wealth at the expense of the poor. Their views that the poor are lazy, and that immigration and witchcraft are the sources of all evil are absolutely correct. Their section of the Republican Party is named after a sex act that elevates their sexual partners to the most sublime and spiritual potential possible. The Tea Party has voted to ban the development of time machines, abolish the study of history and mathematics, and to allow an asteroid to crash into the Earth; after all, they already have their first class ticket to heaven where the rich will definitely not use them for riding around on.

[All the Zealot's Dictionary definitions are available in a single ebook on Smashwords--just 99 cents. Remember if you buy it on Smashwords, you get access to all future expansions...because we know that new definitions are sure to happen simply because of human nature.]

The Wisdom of Michele Bachmann

The monkey god approves of the music behind the words of Michelle Bachmann.

QoD MDE On the Dangers of the Pornoscanners

Myself (the remarkable Morgan Drake Eckstein) on the dangers of radiation from the full-body scanners (pornoscanners) used at the airport:

The government is keeping us safe from terrorists by turning us into glow-in-the-dark cancerous blobs. Makes sense---you cannot get killed by a terrorist if you are already dead.

Thulhu the thing on Trumps Head for President in 2012

Ok, I realize that Donald Trump decided not to run, but this was just too good of an idea to toss into the "too late to do" waste basket. The idea for this piece of artwork came to me on Facebook a few weeks ago (about a week before Trump decided that he would rather remain out of the Presidential race) when a friend posted something about the man (I think it was Trump questioning how Obama got into the college he did)---my response was that I would rather vote for the thing on Trump's head than the man himself. And as I hit post, this image popped into my head. It is kinda slimy, like something that H.P. Lovecraft might have included in his Cthulhu fiction. I used a section of this art in part of the on-going series of Magic the Gathering NOT joke cards that I am posting on my Gleamings from the Golden Dawn blog. Now, don't get me wrong: I like Trump the business man (or at least I admire part of his skill set), but I would rather not vote for him to be the leader of the Free World (he might sell it to the highest bidder---himself). 

Sitting is killing you

Via: Medical Billing And Coding

You already knew that your job that requires you to sit for eight hours or more at a time was killing you right? I bet you were blaming it on the stress; but no, it is actually the sitting. From beyond the grave, the inventor of the chair laughs---Bwahahaha!

QoD Joke about a union man, tea party activist and a CEO

"A public union employee, a tea party activist, and a CEO are sitting at a table with a plate of a dozen cookies in the middle of it. The CEO takes 11 of the cookies, turns to the tea partier and says, "Watch out for that union guy. He wants a piece of your cookie." From Shelby Wright (Maine, political activist).

You claim that you were a teacher?!

Yes, it is time to mock the junk emails again. This author of this one is claiming to be a former teacher. Really? Given the lack of punctuation and capitalization here, I seriously doubt it. And if you were an actual teacher, no wonder kids come to college and end up in remedial (opps, I mean "foundational") English classes. Thanks for leaving the profession; young minds deserve better than this. And so does my inbox.

I have to admit, in 2010 i was having a hard time keeping up with my small paychecks. it was a miracle i had received this link [some work at home at a computer while your butt grows large program] to this news entry that got me making 5x more than i was as a teacher!

Are people really this lonely on Valentine's Day?

Here is a spam email from one of those Facebook fake message centers. I have to ask---are there really people who are this lonely that they actually click on the links? And do they want to hook up with someone that can't spell Valentine, not alone recognize a comma splice?

Sarah sent a message...

Hey, with valintines day and all coming up and i dont really have anyone to spend the romance with i was
wonderingif you wanted to hook up. Just so were not alone ;) let me know what you think, you can message
me back here [some single girl dating website]. Lets not spend the day alone and have some fun!!!!


Kisses xoxoxo


Sarah

Why God Never Received Tenure at Any University

1. He only had one major publication.


2. It was in Hebrew.

3. It had no references.

4. It wasn't published in a referred journal.

5. Some even doubt He wrote it Himself.

6. It may be true that He created the world, but what has He done since then?

7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.

8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating His results.

9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.

10. When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.

11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, He deleted them from the sample.

12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.

13. Some say He had His son teach the class.

14. He expelled His first two students for learning.

15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed His tests.

16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.

Gun control fail

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Raising campaign funds with a cardboard sign

Earlier this year, I stated that the weirdest thing I saw this year was Ken Buck's statement about not wearing high heels. Then Ms. "I hang out with questionable people as a teen, including Wiccans" showed up. But that is not the most interesting thing I have seen in this election cycle.

The prize for most interesting thing seen this election cycle goes to Barbara (last name unknown), who was standing on a street corner with a cardboard sign that said:

Running for Governor. Trying to raise campaign funds.

Is there any way that we can force all politicans to raise their campaign funds this way? Seriously, can people begging on the street do a worse job, and screw me more than the professional politicans have? And given the loons that are running for office this election cycle, the guy pushing the cart up Colfax and talking to an archangel looks positively sane in comparsion.

(And yes, I gave Barbara a dollar. After all, one needs to support the better politicans. Don't tell my wife.)

Do I know enough to work for an oil company?

I just recieved a junk (spam) email. In part, it read:

Job Offer: Optima Integrated Energy Services is pleased to offer you a job. We trust that your knowledge, skills and experience will be among our most valuable assets.


Sectors: Consultant Services Crude Petroleum and Natural Gas Drilling Electronics Services Engineering Services Other Services Staffing Services

Gee, I have no experience in the oil and energy industries. But that should not be a problem, right? After all, how hard is it to spill oil in the ocean?

Letterman under fire by Palin

Today, I was reading the latest in the Letterman--Palin comedy fight. And again, I am reminded how certain politicans would like to see all comedians disappear. I swore that she was still running for political office based on her reaction.

I think that Letterman made an honest mistake. And I think that he was sincere in his apology.

But to hear Palin tell it, you would swore that he was encouraging people to do bad things. Let me buy you a hint: bad people do not need encouragement to do bad things; they are going to do them anyways, no matter what you say, good or bad.

I think this is more about Letterman being a part of the hidden media (late night talk show hosts as the source of so many people's news) than it is about anything else. Palin was never good around the media, and she hates being made fun of. Just one more reason for her not to ever run for a national office if you ask me.

Imagine Sarah Palin in the White House in 2012: Letterman will be taken outside and shot.

Opps, maybe I shouldn't say things like that; it might encourage bad people.

Political jokes

At one time, the American people were given a three-year long vacation from Presidential politics every four years. Once the Presidential election was over, you didn’t have to listen to any more Presidential campaign ads for three whole years. Those were the good old days. Nowadays, Hillary Clinton is already starting up her 2012 Presidential bid, and her first television ad is scheduled to appear the day after the 2008 election.

I am bored with the Presidential campaign. It seems to have been going on as long as John McCain has been alive.

I have timed Obama’a speeches, and he has been saying the word “Change” every 5.1 seconds. If someone else was doing this, it would qualify as a compulsive-obsessive disorder.

If a protestor was not seen or heard by a delegate, or the media, were they still protesting?

DNC jokes

There is a rumor that a whole houseful of urine and feces is being stored up for use during the DNC protests. As a result of this rumor, some politicians want to pass a law to prevent the use of urine and feces. My question is: Wouldn’t this not also outlaw politicians?

If the law does pass, I guess one should go to the bathroom before going to the DNC. After all, you wouldn’t want to be guilty of having illegal substances in your system while protesting at the DNC.

And wouldn’t the neighbors notice a houseful of urine? Ok, maybe not; the neighbors always seem surprised that the quiet ones turn out to be ax-murderers.

Given the fact that serial killers always turn out to be the quiet neighbors, shouldn’t we encourage our neighbors to throw more loud parties?

Selected Definitions from the Zealot’s Dictionary

Superdelegate: An invention of the Democratic Party to soothe the hurt feelings of the non-nominated and to heal the wounds of party infighting; unfortunately, some hope to use them as leverage to bring back cigars and overthrow the results of the Democratic Party’s biggest popularity contest.

Divorce: A method of robbing the worst half to support the better half and their lawyers by dissolving a less-than-perfect marriage.

Vulcan: A stoic from another planet, frequent carriers of the disease of Nerdish Trekkus.

Same-Sex Marriage: A legal procedure that will allow homosexuals to be as miserable and cynical about love as heterosexuals; opposed to by some on religious grounds, the opponents saying that their god does not want sinners to suffer in the same manner as saints.