American Capitalism: a Parable on how the system works

A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the Japanese team won by a mile. The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat.

A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese team had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing. So American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion. They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

To prevent another loss to the Japanese, the American rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 Steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant Superintendent steering manager.

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Quality First Program," with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was outsourced to India.

---Author unknown

The American Scorecard so far

I am learning a lot this election cycle about what it is to be a "real" American.

First, I learned that this country was founded as a Christian nation, and that the Founding Fathers thought that you were not entitled to be a full American (with full legal protections) unless you were a Christian.

I also learned that I am poorly educated because this is not what I have been taught in college. And I am so poorly educated that I cannot find proof of this when I read the primary documents (their actual letters and essays), so I am forced to believe my professors when they say that the Founding Fathers were Deists.

And today, I learned that the Founding Fathers were also capitalists. I guess all the warnings about the evils of banks were planted by time-traveling Democrats.

Herman Cain, who is not going to get my vote, says that the current Wall Street protests are anti-American, and "to protest Wall Street and the bankers is saying that you're anti-capitalism."

Newt Gingrich, who is not going to get my vote, said that the protests are "a natural product of Obama's class warfare." Furthermore, the education system is to blame. "We have had a strain of hostility to free enterprise and frankly, a strain of hostility to classic America starting in our academic institutions and spreading across this country. And I regard the Wall Street protesters as a natural outcome of a bad education system teaching them really dumb ideas."

So lets' see, I am losing points for going to college, not being taught that America is a Christian nation, being a member of a non-Christian religion; and believing that despite the fact that I would like to become wealthy myself someday, that Wall Street and the banks went too far. Oh, and for believing that most of economic problems were actually created by the last President and not the current one.

I presume that I will be seeing some of my readers in Canada when I get deported for my unAmerican beliefs.

QoD Hitler and Christianity

Here is a scary quote that someone posted on Facebook today:

"I am personally convinced of the great power and deep significance of Christianity, and I won't allow any other religion to be promoted."

— Adolf Hitler

I have no idea what context this statement came from. Nevertheless, I would hate for my religion to be look on favorably by Adolf Hitler.

QoD Rufus Opus on what Christians are not here to do

"And Christians aren't here to run for political office. They aren't here to establish the Law of Moses as the Law of the Land. They aren't here to picket abortion clinics. They aren't here to deny gay couples the right to marriage. They aren't here to meddle in the things of the world."---Rufus Opus

The rest of Rufus Opus's post about what Christians are supposed to be doing can be found here.

The Wisdom of Michele Bachmann

The monkey god approves of the music behind the words of Michelle Bachmann.

QoD MDE On the Dangers of the Pornoscanners

Myself (the remarkable Morgan Drake Eckstein) on the dangers of radiation from the full-body scanners (pornoscanners) used at the airport:

The government is keeping us safe from terrorists by turning us into glow-in-the-dark cancerous blobs. Makes sense---you cannot get killed by a terrorist if you are already dead.

Show us your weiner!

This card is inspired by Representative Anthony Weiner, who decided to show his weiner to someone. The mechanics of the card are also influenced by what was perhaps the funniest set of Magic the Gathering cards of all time---Unglued. The Unglued set was designed for the causal gamer, those who were more interested in interacting with their friends and having a good time than they were in building the ultimate tournament deck. Due to the potential disruptive nature of this card, you are only allowed to have one in your deck, and it is removed from play as soon as it resolves. Show us your Weiner! is an instant that costs either one white mana or one red mana. The effect is (definitely inspired by the Unglued MTG set) any player that has a picture of a hot dog that they have eaten can show it to the other players and gain ten life. To make sure players are just googling the internet for pictures of hot dogs, the player must be visible in the picture, without any doubt of their indentity. (No excuses about not knowing if the picture is of you. Also no fair dressing up your dog in a weiner costume---really people, is this why you have pets?) To make things really interesting, you can only use the same picture in a twenty-four hour period. This card, if it was real, but it is not (remember that this is Magic the Gathering NOT!?)---would create a few rule arguments...which I leave to those who like to argue about such things. For instance, does a tofu sausage count as a hot dog? Does the hot dog have to be clearly visible? Or can the chili completely cover it? For the flavor text, I chose a quote by a television character, Ron Swanson (Parks and Recreation)---"I have taken a picture of every steak I've ever eaten there." Sure, the quote is about steak, but the principle is the same---take a lot of pictures of your meat and share them with your friends. Weiner jokes just write themselves, don't they? Now if only Anthony had some witty to say to get himself out of the pickle that he put himself in.